Putting Myself Back in Pictures.

When my Tatiman was born, we scheduled a 'newborn photo shoot' for his eighth day of life. We posed for our first official photo as a family of three--we all look young, excited, in love, and slightly overwhelmed with our new family situation. When Finny Bo Binny was born, we scheduled a 'newborn photo shoot' for his eighth day of life. We posed for our first official photo as a family of four--the Tatiman looks young and exuberent, my hubby and I look slightly older, slightly more experienced, and slightly overwhelmed with our new family situation. When Lici Chance was born, we scheduled a 'newborn photo shoot' for her eighth day of life. We didn't take a family photo. I just couldn't get it together--I hadn't blown my hair dry, I forgot to pack makeup, and my black nursing shirt had spit up on it. I didn't think twice about it at the time--obviously I was in no shape to appear in pictures.

I just read this paragraph from this article and now I regret that decision.

I was thinking today that if I had been in all our family holiday card photos in the ten years and change since I became a mother, I would have been photographed postpartum, then pregnant, then postpartum, then a little more together, then pregnant, then postpartum, then still sporting baby weight, still sporting baby weight, still sporting baby weight (sigh), then pregnant and now still a bit postpartum. What a story those pictures could have told about our family between the changes in our kids and the changes in my body and my husband's. I wish I had them now.

Oh, how I wish I had that family picture now. Lici Chance will never be able to look back and see how I looked when I was so overcome with wonder and joy that nothing--not even fitting into a pair of skinny jeans--could have felt better.

I have spent all of the last five years pregnant, postpartum, and pregnant again. They have been the most beautiful, and most amazing, five years of my life. Yet I haven't always felt that way about my body.

My Tatiman was an easy baby. I started back at the gym when he was 6 weeks old. Well, I tried to, but we were struggling with nursing so I had limited time for myself. The first time I tried to leave him in the gym nursery I heard him screaming for too long. Turns out I didn't want to spend the limited time I had for myself worrying about my baby. We needed each other. The Finny Bo Binny was born full term, but woefully unprepared to take in all of the sensations of the world around him. I literally wore him--all of his waking moments, and many of his sleeping moments--from the moment he was born until he was a year old. He needed my external womb, and I needed to give him the use of my body for longer than the accepted 9 (10) month stay. And then came my Lici Chance, much sooner than my mind or body were ready for, but as it turns out in her own perfect timing.

This is how my body looks after spending five full years creating life. It isn't perfect, is doesn't fit into the clothes it fit into five years ago--but it is loved by three little people who couldn't care less that my jean size is in the double digits.

I put so much effort into creating memories for my kids. We go on adventures together. We build forts together. We cook together. We have dance parties together. When they look back at pictures of all these events that they can't remember--I want them to see that I was there, living in the moment, loving every moment and not out of view for fear that a roll gets captured on film.  This mommy is getting back in the pictures.