Something to Talk About

One of my biggest concerns about becoming a SAHM was that I wouldn’t have anything to talk about anymore. I mean, *I* think my kid is cute, but even I don’t want to hear myself repeat the play-by-play of his life each day (“Well, he woke up at 6am…nursed…ate…played…napped…”and repeat). Plus, as an attorney (have I mentioned that Divorce was my primary practice area?), I saw countless marriages fall apart because the parties no longer had anything to talk about. I didn’t want to become boring to my husband, my friends, or myself.

Recently DH and I spent our first weekend away from the Tati-man. We cashed in a gift certificate and stayed in this swanky B&B near Gettysburg. I’ve heard of people that make it a “rule” not to speak about their children when they go out on dates. I, personally, find that ridiculous. On the three hour drive to Taneytown we talked about Tati, about how we both missed him, but were excited to have some time together without worrying about his schedule. We talked about how we would like to handle some issues we foresee in the near future (babyproofing, discipline)…and then we let our conversation naturally flow to other things. Yes, DH talked about his job. Yes, I talked about some of the things that have happened during playgroup. And then something magical happened. We decided to take a Segway tour of the Gettysburg battlefields.

We hadn’t been to Gettysburg since we were kids, and neither of us had ever been on a Segway. As we approached the place where we would pickup the tour, we were nervous and excited. We signed away our lives on their liability waiver, and then suited up with our helmets and headsets. Then, we cheered each other on as we learned to use the little zooming machines—the trick is to not think about balancing, which of course makes you think, exclusively, about balancing. Once skilled in maneuvering, we spent nearly 3 hours Segwaying around, learning all about the battles at Gettysburg—the politics, the soldiers, the surprise attacks—and then it was over. We hopped off our Segways, got our ‘street feet’ back, and continued on our merry way.

That night, at our fabulous 6 course dinner, we both wondered aloud “What do you think would have been different if ‘x’ happened” and “Can you imagine the sight of 23,000 soldiers coming over that hill”…not once did we mention Tati, or DH’s job for that matter, and not even once was there a lull in the conversation.

My point is…just because you cease to work outside you home does not mean you cease to have a life outside of your home. I did not marry DH (or make any of my friends) because we loved to talk about our careers. Just because I no longer have a “career” doesn’t mean that I no longer have things to talk about. Maybe I have to work a little bit harder to make sure I don’t get stuck in the rut of being a mom before I am a person. But so long as I remember that I am a person, with interests and hobbies and dreams…I will never run out of things to say.

Life is too unpredictable to live by a schedule...or is it?

When I was an attorney (hee hee hee…I love that I can say that in the past tense), I lived by my Outlook task manager. EVERYTHING went into it. Breakfast meetings, client meetings, networking meetings, trial preparations, trials, mediations, vacations, doctors appointments, birthdays…you name it, it was on my calendar. And, since I was either glued to my computer or glued to my phone…I was never more than a click away from knowing exactly what I should be doing at any given second.

I’m no longer glued to my computer, and I can rarely find my cell phone in the bottom of the diaper bag, and here is the big AND…I didn’t even know WHAT I was supposed to be doing with my time. It was freeing and terrifying. And the only person I have to report to drools a lot, and falls asleep in the middle of conversations (hmmm, that doesn’t sound too different from my former boss—just kidding, I worked for an amazing team, and none of them drooled).

In the 10 weeks that I went back to work after having Tati, our house really took a beating. We did a lot of running around from here to there, and making piles of this and that to be dealt with at some other time. I knew, within about 10 minutes of waking up on my first day as a SAHM, that I could not do my job the way I wanted, in a house that was as unorganized, and quite frankly, messy from neglect, as ours.

Enter the Motivated Moms Chore Planning System http://www.motivatedmoms.com. I got tipped off to this glorified chore chart from my mommy board friends. For the paltry sum of $8.00, I have a checklist for becoming June Cleaver. Each night before bed, I look at what I have to accomplish the next day, and each morning I get up and plan my day around my tasks. I get the same mini rush when I check off “cleaned top shelf of fridge” as I used to get when I crossed out “return call to opposing counsel”—only I don’t have any heartburn for the hour before I clean the shelf. Best of all, I don’t feel overwhelmed about all I need to do to get my house into shape. I have a plan, and I can already see the progress.

My favorite chore is, of course “pampering myself”. Hey, if the chore chart says I have to, I have to!!

Simply the Best

This morning, while I was feeding the Tati-man breakfast (plums and oatmeal, in case you were wondering), I heard the voices on the Today show (the TV was left on in another room) saying that the next segment would feature “Dr. Laura” and advice for transitioning from the workplace to being a SAHM. Dr. Laura (Schlessinger) was on the show this morning to tout her new book, “In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms” http://www.drlaura.com/main/

I perked up, ran into the room, and watched. Now that the Tati is quietly napping, I can put my thoughts on the segment together.

Dr. Laura started out by saying that being a SAHM is the, “…best gift a woman can give herself, her family, and society”. Ok, I’m with her there, kind of. I suppose now is a time to address the issue that keeps popping up—there is a ‘war’ between employed moms and SAHMS. I do not intend to debate that issue here, but my *personal* opinion is the following: 1. We are ALL working moms. 2. The “best” kind of mom is one that does what she needs to do to meet her own family’s needs. Period.

I feel like being able to stay at home is a wonderful gift. But the best gift a woman can give herself, her family, and society? Nope. There are women out there working every day to cure childhood cancer. That is an amazing gift. There are women teaching children to read—what an incredible lifelong gift. There are women who drive buses so other people can get places they need to go, who cook and serve food that fills tummies, who work in retail, who curate museums, who are astronauts—the list goes on and on. I cannot, for even one second, entertain the thought that the gifts these women are giving to themselves—in the form of self fulfillment, to her family—in the form of income (among other things), and society—in the form of making our world go round—is any less than the gift of being able to stay at home with my son.

Dr. Laura went on to use terms including “denigrated” “not supported” “made to feel stupid”…and that there “isn’t much in society that says what you are doing is wonderful”. Maybe I’ve just been really lucky—I haven’t run into any of this. In fact, my experience has been quite the opposite. On my last day of work, our firm’s lone female partner (who, herself, was a SAHM, and then worked part time until her kids were in school) made a point to tell me how excited she was for me, and how she knew I wouldn’t regret the decision. Another attorney that I frequently ran up against in the court room sent me a bouquet of flowers with a card saying “Enjoy your new career. You have the best job in the world”. In fact every single person that has made a comment on our decision has made a positive comment.

Maybe times are different from when Dr. Laura decided to become a SAHM. Maybe I’ve just been fortunate to surround myself with people who will support me through anything. One thing is for sure—there is no reason for me, or any SAHM to feel stupid, denigrated, or not supported. If you are feeling that way, come in, pull up a seat, grab yourself a glass of water (I’m trying to up my intake to 64oz a day), and let’s chat.

I get by with a little help from my (mommy board) friends.

On the advice of friends, I joined a “mommy board”—an online message board where fellow moms can share tips, tricks, stories, and camaraderie. It is my replacement for the Bar Association. Within days my vocabulary changed from being a BIA (Best Interest Attorney) to SAHM (Stay at home mom). My DH (that’s “dear husband” on a good day, or “dick head” on a bad—FYI) just got used to decoding my attorney acronyms…now he has a whole new language to learn.

I was lucky to have an ‘in’ to an already established mommy board. One of my good friends from law school met these ladies nearly 10 years ago when they were planning their weddings on The Knot. They have supported each other, online, through weddings, divorces, births of children, deaths of children, breastfeeding, solids feeding, sleep issues, sicknesses…and everything in between. It was like walking into a big clique, but being welcomed with open arms. Where else can I run when its 2am, and I’m up because my kid has just pooped so hard it shot out of his diaper and into his hair? AND find somebody who has experienced the same thing? It has truly been a godsend. And, it has given me the courage to do something else—make mommy friends IRL (“In Real Life” for those not indoctrinated).

You see, when I left my career, I also left a big piece of myself behind, and it was hard to get out into my new world when I wasn’t even sure what my new identity would be. Would I be a crunchy granola organic mom? A mom who reads ALL the books? A mom who thrives on chaos? My new mommy board friends helped me sort out a lot in those early days—mostly reassuring me that even though I didn’t spend 19 years and over a hundred thousand bucks getting a formal education for my new job, I was prepared to handle it. And, I don’t have to know what kind of mom I will be. Today, I was a “play with Little People on the floor and sing silly songs about stinky poops” kind of mom.

How I Got Here.

I was born to do great things. From the moment I came out, with my rockstar black hair and my constant need for attention, I knew, I would make it big one day.

As a very little girl, I wanted to be a veterinarian—until I learned that some puppies die. That was the end of that. Next up: CEO of Nike. I didn’t even know what a CEO was, but I knew I wanted my decisions to make the nightly news. I wanted to be sporty and glamorous. And rich.

I went to college and majored in business at a top 20 undergrad business school. I started working—as a professional brainstormer (my business cards actually said “Innovator”) while in college, at an international company with over 42,000 employees. Two years after graduating from college I began applying, and was accepted to a number of top 20 law schools. My path to greatness was taking shape.

And then I met my husband. And got cancer. And life changed.

I finished up my 3 years at my top 20 law school. Following law school, I got married, took a job at the number one firm in my new hometown (granted, it was a small barely suburban town---not exactly the high profile NY, LA, or DC firm I had envisioned)—and went to work.

On December 1, 2007, I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. And life changed.

Through most of my pregnancy I was too sick to really dive into work, but I still put on the ever-expanding maternity suits, and went to court. Even though I had to run out of the court room, on more than on occasion, to vomit—I got such a charge out of my job. Winning a case put me on a soaring high. Losing *gasp* brought out even more fire in me. I loved the challenge.

On August 7, 2008, after 44 hours of labor, my son, the Tati-man, was born. And life changed. In ways I NEVER dreamed.

I had fought to get 10 weeks of maternity leave. The most my firm had ever granted before was two. I got 10. I was THAT good at negotiating.

On October 14, 2008 I returned to work. I could not handle dropping my 10 week old son off at a veritable stranger’s house—so I had my husband do it. I did not cry once at work. I focused on my job, refusing to look at the clock, until I noticed everybody else had left the office. Then I went to pick up my son. He was asleep in the arms of someone else (ok, it was our daycare provider, whom we had carefully selected and fully trusted). I took him from our new daycare provider’s arms and the waterworks came. Sure, he was only 10 weeks old and I knew exactly how he had spent his day—mostly sleeping, with 3 bottles, and more sleeping. But in my heart, I felt like I had missed a lifetime.

Fast forward about 10 weeks. I’d gotten used to the routine—although I still didn’t do daycare drop-offs, thanks to my husband. But I did pick my little man up every afternoon—sans tears. It is the week before Christmas. My husband comes home from work one night—and out of nowhere says “I think we would all be happier if you stayed at home full time”

**insert sound of record scratching** WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!??!

Of course I had been thinking it. But saying it was another thing. You don’t get to be the CEO of Nike by staying at home. But…life changes.

So we set about figuring out if staying at home was a real possibility. We did have goals that we didn’t want to sacrifice. We did not live frugally by any stretch of the imagination—we enjoyed eating out and shopping and vacationing. We didn’t want to give it up. Could we really have our cake and eat it too?

Turns out, yes. We thought we could. With a few minor changes (first step—sell our extra car—a BMW—my husband might argue that wasn’t a ‘minor’ change, but in the scheme of things, it was) and a few major changes (notifying my managing partner, out of the blue, on a Tuesday, that I would be quitting)…my adventure as a Professional Stay At Home Mom began.

I have been joking with my Husband that he should throw me a retirement party. He has made two comments (in addition to rolling his eyes, ha!) 1. I’m not retiring; I’m on hiatus, and 2. Being a Stay at Home Mom is probably the most important job in the world.

Touché. And besides…a “Hiatus Party” doesn’t sound nearly as fun.

So with that…I am on my way to a new adventure. One I never imagined I would take, but could not be more excited. I’ve already gotten lots of advice from friends on how I should go about excelling at my new job…and I decided to document the successes and pitfalls here, for anybody who might be following in my shoes one day.