This morning, while I was feeding the Tati-man breakfast (plums and oatmeal, in case you were wondering), I heard the voices on the Today show (the TV was left on in another room) saying that the next segment would feature “Dr. Laura” and advice for transitioning from the workplace to being a SAHM. Dr. Laura (Schlessinger) was on the show this morning to tout her new book, “In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms” http://www.drlaura.com/main/
I perked up, ran into the room, and watched. Now that the Tati is quietly napping, I can put my thoughts on the segment together.
Dr. Laura started out by saying that being a SAHM is the, “…best gift a woman can give herself, her family, and society”. Ok, I’m with her there, kind of. I suppose now is a time to address the issue that keeps popping up—there is a ‘war’ between employed moms and SAHMS. I do not intend to debate that issue here, but my *personal* opinion is the following: 1. We are ALL working moms. 2. The “best” kind of mom is one that does what she needs to do to meet her own family’s needs. Period.
I feel like being able to stay at home is a wonderful gift. But the best gift a woman can give herself, her family, and society? Nope. There are women out there working every day to cure childhood cancer. That is an amazing gift. There are women teaching children to read—what an incredible lifelong gift. There are women who drive buses so other people can get places they need to go, who cook and serve food that fills tummies, who work in retail, who curate museums, who are astronauts—the list goes on and on. I cannot, for even one second, entertain the thought that the gifts these women are giving to themselves—in the form of self fulfillment, to her family—in the form of income (among other things), and society—in the form of making our world go round—is any less than the gift of being able to stay at home with my son.
Dr. Laura went on to use terms including “denigrated” “not supported” “made to feel stupid”…and that there “isn’t much in society that says what you are doing is wonderful”. Maybe I’ve just been really lucky—I haven’t run into any of this. In fact, my experience has been quite the opposite. On my last day of work, our firm’s lone female partner (who, herself, was a SAHM, and then worked part time until her kids were in school) made a point to tell me how excited she was for me, and how she knew I wouldn’t regret the decision. Another attorney that I frequently ran up against in the court room sent me a bouquet of flowers with a card saying “Enjoy your new career. You have the best job in the world”. In fact every single person that has made a comment on our decision has made a positive comment.
Maybe times are different from when Dr. Laura decided to become a SAHM. Maybe I’ve just been fortunate to surround myself with people who will support me through anything. One thing is for sure—there is no reason for me, or any SAHM to feel stupid, denigrated, or not supported. If you are feeling that way, come in, pull up a seat, grab yourself a glass of water (I’m trying to up my intake to 64oz a day), and let’s chat.
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Anytime anyone says working or SAHing is "best" or "better" it denigrates the opposite side. The thing about Dr. Laura that bothers me (based on things I've heard her say in the past, hvan't read the book) is that she assumes that unless it just isn't financially possible whatsoever cutting out every luxury and attempting to adjust your schedule so you only work while the children are sleeping....that you aren't doing the best for your kids.
ReplyDeleteBeing a SAHM isn't for "everyone." After I had my first son, there was NO way I could have stayed at home. I was about to go coo coo for cocoa puffs by the time he was 10 weeks old! I just wouldn't have been happy at all. And an unhappy mommy is not the best mommy to their kids. But we put him in an excellent day care where he was well cared for, loved, and thrived, and made sure we spent LOTS of quality time with him, purposefully taking a job at a law firm where my hours would be flexible but my pay would be 1/2 what I could make elsewhere. It worked fabulously for us. We were all very happy and well bonded.
Then my second son was born very premature and has had a LOT of health concerns during his first year of life. And something in me changed and all of a sudden I found that I wanted nothing MORE than to SAH with him! It killed me that I couldn't because my husband just launch a new company that was still growing and I carry the health insurance for the family (and health insurance for the preemie was going to be astronomical). But, for the first time, I sensed that my child NEEDED me to be home with him. And frankly, I've grown tired of the constant race against the clock and never having time for myself. But I still love my job and find it rewarding. But I think I would find being a SAHM even more rewarding at THIS particular point and juncture in my life. But I don't love my children anymore now than I did before when I couldn't phathom being a SAHM. And my children have really not suffered in anyway by not having me home FT - they are both crazy happy kids, and I have an amazing bond with them!
I'm rambling now, but I guess what I'm trying to say is "how dare" Dr. Laura judge the love and intentions other women have for their children based on their occupational choices?? Why don't we trust each woman to search her soul and examine her life and come to the right decision about what she and her family "need" at any given moment in time??? And I think its a little audacious of her to think that a working mom, with a LOT of sacrifice and hard work (trust me, I know it well) CAN both work AND provide all the love and attention and care her children need.
And I appreciate your point too about how working women give a LOT to society. A friend of mine, who was a SAHM for many years before we even met, said to me "Where would women and the world be if we ALL decided to SAH?" There is plenty of room in society for both to give a lot!
And I think the Mommy Wars is the stupidest thing ever. Both sides should be in awe of what the other side pulls off. Only a woman with her head in the sand could think that either job is "easy." But I guess people have a tendency to feel the need to "one up", huh?
i couldn't possibly agree more with everything you have represented here. dr. laura is and always has been pure evil! in my estimation, anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteand i am loving this blog, kaela! keep 'em coming!! xoxo!